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THE 



IfflfBMin Crisis 111 111 Biiocracf, 



\/BKEEF AND COM ISK STATEMENT UV THE 
PAST EXPEIUENCK, PRESENT CO^^DISH- 
UN AND EUCHER HOPES UV THE 
%''DIMOKRATIO PARTY: 



INCI.UOUIN 



THE ^lOST PK03IINENT- REESONB WHY EVRY DIMO- 
KRAT WHO LOVES HIS PARTY SHOOD VOTE FOR 

SEEMORE Biitl BURE, and agin GRANT and COLFAX. 




By petroleum Y/ NASBY, 

Formt-rly Pastei in '.lisu;'0 of the Church of the Noo Dispensashnn, la+t Per/esj 
Bi'blikle Politics m the Southern Military and Classicle Institoot, and no— 
PostmftPtornt Confotlrit X IJoiids, \v"ich is in the State uv Kentucky. 



TOLEDO, OHIO : . 

MILLER, LOCKE & CO 






r>EDIOASHUN, 



To HORASHO SEEMORE, 

The troo Dimokrat, for whom my sole hez alluz gone out, - 
sence the riote in Noo York, in 1863, 
* In wich his fronds demonstrated the sooperiority liv the Anglo 

Saxon race 

By beatin out the branes of all persons uv other races, wich 

they cood reach ; 

Whose reputashun, like Moses's, 

Is assosbiated Avith pillers uv fire and smoke, to perdoose wich his 

frends, in ther zeal, sacrificed a half-dozen nigger orfun as- 

sylums— thus thrillin the Southern hart ; 

And from whom I expect to receeve a new commishun, 

ez Postmaster, 

When A. Johnson offishally dececses. 

This vollum is abjectly dedicatid, by 

THE AUTHOR. 

CoNFEDRiT X Roads, ) 

fwich is in the Btait uv Kentucky,) v 

August 10th, 1868. ) 



[P. O. Btamp. ] 



Entered according to Act of OongresB in the year 1868, by D. R. LOCKE, in the 

Clerk's office of the District Court of the TTnited States for the Northern 

District of Ohio. 



THE IMPENDIN CRISIS. 



CHAPTER I. 

RETROSPECTIVE REFLECSITUX3 AXD HISTORIf'LE FAX. 

The Dimokratic party uv wieli the autlior hereof is to- 
wnnst an ornament ancVpiller, is ft^arfiills' and wonderfuliy, 
made. It alliiz wnz. And the style uv the Instooshun is 
percisely wat commends it, or rather wat shood commend 
it, to th'e support uv a Amerikin people. In it every sole 
mav find rest — in it there is sich a variety — an assortment so 
large and well selectid I may say — uv prinsiple, that every 
man, no matter wat the pekoolyer bent uv his mind — no 
matter Avat the espeshal turn uv his intellek — may find 
his rock upon wich he may sekoorly rest. 

Does a man favor nigger votin ? Look at Joe Williams, 
a nigger, sittin in a Noo York Convenshun ez our ekal. 
Wood he keep the nigger, brootalized ez he hez bin for cen- 
turies by the Dimokratic imstitooshun uv Slavery, perpetoo- 
ally under his heel ? He'll find sich in all the platforms in 
the western States. Is he in favor uv repoodiashun ? 
Brick Pomeroy and Blare are his men. Would he pay the 
debt, but pay it in greenbax ? Look at Pendleton. Wood 
he pay it in gold? Keed Seemore's Cooper Institoot speech. 
Is he a war Dimokrat ? Blare is our candidate. Is he a 
secessonist ? Wade Hampton and Booregard run the Con- 
venshun. Ther is an assortment i;v prinsiple — let evry one 
choose for hisself. 

I shel be rnther economical uv historicle matter. The 
past to me is nothin. Dimokratic joys wich are departid 
are uv no akkount to me. The drinks I hev taken can't be 
taken over agin, and tho the recolleckshuns thereof are 
pleasant, they ain't warmin to the bowels, wich is the 
pekoolyer o:Sls uv drinks. Pleasant recolleckshuns are 
abstract pleasures — they are not palpable fax. I knowd 
wunst a visionary yooth who tried to live on the recolleck- 
shuns uv the past. It woodent do. They didnt take the 
place uv biled pork. He ^rowd thinner and thinner, day 
by day, and, persistin in hia foUy, he died, weighin only 90 



THE impe>n^dt:n- crisis 



lbs. averdupws. Bicli will iiever l.e mv Me, I take solid 
comfort 111 tlie present ; -enjoyin wat 1 kin rraeh. and a 
qmet, snbdood pleasure in contemplatin a rontinvooanc? 
thereof. But this is a digression. • ' 

We hey iiateral diflFikilties to eneoniiler continvooally- 
Our young- men Avill go to colleges and sioh. wher they 
speeddy turn agin us; the churches make sad hayoc in our 
ranks and singler ez it may seem, likker. our cheef holt, is 
uj itself a element uy weakuis. A^hisky makes Dimokrats 
ot men, hut it kdls em afore they kin reely become yooseful 
liie pai:ty is m the condishun uy a man with a tiiiie-wirm- 
It hez withm itsidf Avat is destroyin it. The lono-oi- a nvm 
sucks the better lie is for us— but alas ! while tie is rinep- 
in lulo Dimokrasy. his stumick is bein burned .mt, and \n^ 
nose blossoms n.r tlie grave jist ez he miie 1).' yooseful to 
us. They mile live longer, but uufor(o(.i,ai(Mv"(he likker 
uy this day is iritfful. and it carries em uW snddonly. We 
lose by this a h.'av\- \n-r cent. ]X"r annum. 

Dimokrasy hez lird many seyeiv trials. It hez bin tki-o 
seasons uy trial, wieh woodliev killed a partv uv less yitaliry. 
lu ]s:>4 it prtered out in most uv the Kortiimi Slates, wich 
relet'Siul tlie faithful uy the cares and resjionsibiliiies uv tlie 
s(;atc and count v ollisis. We held on tlio, for Ave still bed 
the Post OfHsis. and in them Ave ivjoist. The efteck upon 
the people wiiz the same however; tJie onlv difference bein 
That the burden uv supportin tlie k'adcrs \vuz shifted from 
the county and state goyernmenis onto the general goA- 
'-rnnicnt. IA»' this reason Bookamnon's administration went 
out v.ithoul a dollar in the treasury, leayinthe goyernment 
some hundivds of uiillions iu dobt". So long ez we bed the 
Post oflRsis wc got along. 

In IStiO our star sot in gloom. The gorrillcr Lhikin avwz 
elected, and Rachel mourned for her children, and refoozed 
to be comfx)rtcd IfL'roz they wuz not. We'wiiz thoroly 
bereaved. The county and stale oilisis wuz gone, and this 
crooel blowdejirived uv uv I lie balance uv them. Sadlv Ave 
left the Post otiises, chantin ez we went our tleath songs. 
Then our real- season uv trou))le eouunenst. Our suthern 
brethren bed heretofore run tlie guvernnient excloosiyely. 
We uv ttie Nortli wuz williu. We didnt objeek— en tli* 
contrary we preferred it. The troo Noi-|liern Uimokral 
d.ont want miieh. (live him a nigger to look down to and 
a nigger-driycr to look up to, and a small post-ortis, and Iip 
IS supremely happy. In sich a posishuu be Avoodent trade 
places Avith aangeliu glory ! Calhoun and his friends we wuz 



UV THE DIMOKKASY. 



williii sliood make the platforms, dictate tlie policy m- tlie 
party, and also hold tlie big oflfisis, to carry out tliat 
policy, for tlio reason that it made us perfeckly shoor uv the 
smalfer places. AVe mite hev a snthern policy, in the hands 
of snthern men, but halleloogy ! they coodent send suthern 
men up north to hold the Post otiisis and collektorsliips! 
Them ^ve hed for ourselves, and tlierein we \vuz happy. 

AYuz it any wonder that Avhen the Linkin elecshun ousted 
the south from the control uy the government that they 
rebelled ! Wuz it any Avonder that when ^ve wuz histed out 
uv the places Ave hed held so long, that we murmured to 
ourselves, and wood hev rebelled too hed we dared ? N"ot 
enny. For the government, ez far ez we wuz concerned, 
wuz overturned. The offisis gone, we felt we hed neither 
lot nor part in it. 

It is onnecessary for me to continyoo the harrowin nar- 
rashun. The Dimokrasy south did take up arms for their 
lost rites, and the Dimokrasy north lookt on the struggle 
with intense anxiety. When our frends met the Ablishun 
hosts at Bull Run and smote em, our harts wuz filled with 

fladnis, and when the Amalekites under Grant capchered 
'ixbui'g and followed up with Richmond, our harts sunk 
TV ith greef that wuz too big for uttrance. We follered with 
anxious soles the progress of the struggle, knowing that 
our fate was bound up in them, and that as they stood or 
fell, so also must we. 

It is onnecesSary to detail the harrowin scenes thro wich 
vve hed to pass, durin that period uv depreshun. My his- 
tory is the history uv all of us. We wuz drafted and taxed 
to support armies who wuz a killin our brethren. We re- 
sisted — at least I did — and wuz thrown into Basteels. For 
shootin Provost Marshels we wuz hunted like wild beasts 
of pray, and for stabbin soldiers at home on furlo, we lan- 
guished in prizens. Besides we endured other inconven- 
iences. We wuz compelled by ati infooriated soljery to 
take oaths uv allegiance to 'a government wich, sence it 
past out uv our hands, we felt we wuz aliens in. We wuz 
forst to display a flag wich, sence it waved over Post offisis 
with Ablishnists into em, we felt wuz trooly a hatid rag. 
Wuz it woiulerful that rather than endoor all this, they 
exiled themselves by thousands ? Is it singler that on the 
shores iiv Canadian rivers, they hung their harps on the 
willers, and then mournfully sung the songs uv their native 
land ? There wuz no more techin site than to see a young 
and able-bodied Dimokrat swimmin the Detroit river man- 



THE IMPEXDTX CRTSTS 



fully, just afore a draft; iiotliin more aftectiii tliaii to see. 
himclioppin cord- wood in a strange land, waitin. weary and 
liartsick, for the good time to come wlioi lie cood retnrn 
and bid eurollin offisers defiance. 

The very circnmstances .uv Uie eate made it Lu(f fur u.«. 
Ther wnz a continyooal drane onto n:;. Tlicy sedoost some 
nv onr sons into the servis, wlier llu'y become rantiji A1)- 
lishnists ; the rest nv em went to Canady wher Lliey coodent 
return to vote, and that left ns only thein sich ;is wnz rnp- 
chsred, those o\er io and under ik Consekently A\e wuz 
))eaten continyooally. McClellan wuz tlie worstest laid out 
individyooal who ever run for PrcsidenI, and for another 
four years it seemed ez tho we wuz dooned to a servitood 
which Avuz too horrilile to think a])out. 

The removal nv the tyrant Linkin b} tJiaL noble patrot 
Wilkes Booth, wnz a gleem nv sunshine. We knowd at the 
start wat Avood l»e the result. A. Johnson lied bin a Dimo 
krat, and we knowed that the stane into Ivim avuz so 
deep that it cood never l)e eraclikatid. Wc bed ti'ustid men 
with him from iVashville to AVasJiijigiv)ii, and Ave bed onr 
eagle eyes onto liim Avhen he wnz inoggeratid. I knoAvd 
th© minnit I smelt Ids breath on that day that it avuz all 
rite, and my faith never Avavered till the 22d nv F(d)rooary 
speech made it certain that lie wnz ouru. But liis return 
wnz after all only a parshel triujuph. Our IVends in the 
south AVUZ still restraned by the ensses eonneetid witli ihe 
Bnro, and Congris found se^'ral Avays to hold in their hand* 
the paternage ua' the Government. Our triumph avuz only 
parshel. Ez for myself, I bed nothiu to complane nv. The 
reconstruetid Pivsidejit give me the Post Oifis wich I noAV 
okkepy, and Avbieb I bev held to this time. But ne\erthe- 
less the sitooalioii liez not bin ez cbeei-iu ez it mite be. The 
pOAver hcK bin agin ns. Johnson wnz only a breakwater. 
He bustid the ice-rields that avuz assalJn ns. i>utthey formed 
agin beloAv him. With usuoav its vieioi\ ur death! Shood 
Are Avin all AA'ill be ^•ell — shood Ave lose — but it cant be ! I 
draw a curtin ov«r a prospeck so terrible ! 

* END VX CHAPTER I. 



CHAPTER IL 

IK WiCH IS GIVEIST THE SEA^EAL EEAWOXS AVHY SUCCESS 
is AT THIS TIAIE XECESSAET POE THE DIlIOKEASr. 

The Dimokrasy heA^been outuy place onremittently scnce 



i:V THE PIMOKRASY. 



1854. Tliere liez bin in consekence u very great deal uv 
troul)le, siiftVin and distress. Them wicli alluz lied bin ae- 
mistomed to livin in that Avay hev bin forst into other ok- 
kepashens wieh hev not alluz bin profitable. Doorin the 
war it is troo they fared tolerable well. The better class nv 
om — that is the liiore intellectooal — went into sutlerin and 
contraktin (out of wich, thank Hevin, the Ablishents 
coodent keep em) and the lo^'er class embarkt into bounty 
jumpin. But their employments wuz nv nessessity ruther 
hazardous. A onlucky movement wood sweep aAVt^y a. sut- 
ler's stock, aiul ever and anon bounty jumpers wuz caught. 

Therefore, the land wuz filled with mourners who wood 
not be comfortid. Legislachers wnz fritefnlly changed. 
At the capitol uv Ohio, for instance, several ladies nvwn- 
doubted reputashnn wuz compelled to move their houses to 
other cities, ez the preechers, merchants and farmers sent 
by Ablishnized constitoooncies wuz uv no akkonnt to them. 
£he grosery keepers languisht for them from whom ther 
trade come,' Avho wuz compelled to subsist on tick, ©r die. 
It wuz not their interest to let em die, and so they car- 
ried em along waitin and watchin for the good times wich 
wuz to come. 

Another class must hev this cluinge. I alood to our 
southern brethrin. Ther is wher it is most needed. Oh, 
when I look over tlie fields uv the sunny south my hart 
bleeds, and I exclaim, " Ablishnism, this is thy work !" 
The nigger who wuz to-wunstyooseful and ornamental to the 
whites, is now draggin out a mizable existence, workiu leased 
land, or supportin hie family on ground uv his own. The 
proud Caucashen master, wunst the hope uv our race, and 
now our only pride, is either defilin his hands with 
labor, or draggin out a mizzable eggsistence by sellin peece- 
meal the land on wich ther famlies bed dwelt for many gen- 
erashuns. One instance will suffice to show the misery 
wich Ablishnism hez caused in the southern States. 

John Punt, uv Mobeel, wuz one uv nacher's noblemen — 
that is, he owned two hundred niggers and bed twenty-five 
hundred akers uv land, wich ^vuz all cotton land. Proba- 
bly the idee uv Paradise avuz never ez completely realized 
on this yere earth, ez it v,\\z on John Punt's place. The 
manshuu hed ii piazaer runnin all around it. A leetle to 
the rite uv the house wuz the long rows uv nigger quarters, 
scrupulusly full, and to the left stretched olf the broad 
akers wich John Punt called his own. It wuz one uv the 
happiest uv human eggsperences to see John Punt a sittin 



THE IMPEjfblN CRISIS 



on tliat porch in the cool uv the evenin a smokin Havan- 
na cigars, Avith the moosic uv a pack uv hounds a yelpin 
oii the track uv a runaway nigger in the swamps adjacent. 
Behint the house, and a leetle to the rite uv the quarters, 
wuz the stocks and whippin posts wich wuz requisite to 
keep the cheerful and contented Afrikins in order. 

John Punt wuz regler in his dooties and pleasures. Reg- 
lerly in March, he assembled his niggers and tuk stock uv 
em. Selectin out with apractist eye, them wich wood bring 
the highest price in Mobeel, he tuk em thither and sold 
em. He yoost to hev his trials — wat good man hezent ? 
Wunst I remember I wuz there, when the* mother of a 
picaninny objectid to bein sold away from her child, and in 
her despare appeeled to PuifT, ez its Father, to keep her ; 
and on another occashun, his oldest son Samyooel raised a 
row about selling a girl 16 years old, wich resembled 
Samyooel remarkably. But John Punt cood not be moved. 
He didnt object to his sons takin uv em for concubines, for 
in sooth the Punts wuz a noble race, physickally, and when 
the produx uv this patriarkle relashun wuz girls. Punt 
knowed it wuz money in his purse. The Punt breed was 
well known in Mobeel, and they brot high prices. 

On his return from Mobeel, the Punts alluz took a season 
at Saratogy, where h» wuz proverbially liberal in his expeii- 
ditoors. Ah, how the open-handed old man yoost to 
throw around the money. " Be shoor, John," he yoost to 
rite home so his overseer, " be shoor that the stock on the 
place is kept up. Livin is cussed high here this summer." 

The young Punts wuz trooly chips uv the old blox. 
Samyooel wuz a ded shot with a pistol, John Jr. wuz 
onekalled in poker, and Lucinda hed no rival on the piano 
forte. They lived a happy, Arcajen life. The niggers 
workt cheerfully under the stimulus uv two overseers and 
their underlins armed with very heavy nigger whips, but 
they seldom complained. One or two did it one year, but 
ez they wuz to-wunst shot ded in ther trax the habit 
wuznt a general one. They were contentid and happy. 

Kernel Punt, uv coarse, hed bin in Congris. With his 
worldly possessions he cood very easy control the poor 
whites in his naberhood, ez none uv em cood read or rite, 
andgoin to Congris wuz in them days fashionable. He 
vv^as happily circumstanct. 

There hez been a change in Alabamy. The manshun is 
standin there, but it is a mere shadder of its former self. 



UV THE DIMOKRASY. 



" The harn wicli wunst through Tara's halls, 

The sole uv moosic shed, 
That harp now hangs on Tara's walls;, 

It3 sole uv moosic fled." 

Kernel Punt sits on the piazzer ez before, bnt he is Ker- 
nel Punt only by name. Gone are the stox, ^one is the 
whippin post, gone is the nigger quarters, gone is Lucinda, 
gone is Samyooel, gone is Tom, Lucinda, whose hands 
wuz never stained with labor, is a milliner in Mobeel, Tom 
is a clerk in a grocery, and Samyooel is tendin bar. The 
family is wreckt. The manshnn no more resounds with the 
gay lafter uv the merry throngs wich wunst frekented it, 
no more is heard the jwp uv the exileratin shampane, or 
the gurgle uv the more quiet, tho to me more satisfactory, 
Bourbon. Xow all this is gone. The Kernel is a lost man. 
The niggers refoozed to work after Mobeel fell, and the 
poor Kernel hed to sell, aker by aker, his patrimony. The 
-niggers bot em, the poor whites hot em. The Freedtnen's 
Burow set up a skool on one corner uv the place, and a 
village wuz startid around it, and thus went out all there 
wuz of civilizashun there. The niggers reed, the po©r 
whites hev got so they kiji reed, and they crooelly jeer at the 
old man when he passes. He never stirs from his kouse 
for feer uv insult. ^\''enches will hold up their seven-year 
old brats and ask him to look at his children, and when he 
walks past their houses they make a most disgnistin show »v 
spellin books. Poor Kernel Punt I Wunst the owner uv all 
these people ; now none so poor to do him reverence, Wwist 
the possessor uv millions ; now so poor ez to be onable to lend 
me, when Iavuz lastat his house, the mizrable pittance uv 
twenty-one dollars I 

We want a Dimokratic success to rite John Punt's 
wrongs, AVe want the nigger skool-houses rooted out — we 
want the spellin books destroyed, and ef we cant git them 
back to ther old condishun, we at least want em to be re- 
doost to ez near to it ez possible. John Punt must, ez be- 
fore, control em, Ef they must hev wages, John Punt must 
fix them wages — ef they must vote, John Punt must control 
that vote. John Punt wuz robbed uv his jjroperty in them 
niggers and poor whites, and he must hev ez much back ez 
kin be given him. Let us elect Seymour and Blair, and 
we'll see how long John Punt's niggers will thwart John 
Punt's will. Oh, relecA'e us uv military tyran}', and we'll 
see how long nigger votes Avill control Alabama ! 

Ther are other resons wick, mite be given,, but a reson 



10 THE IMPBifDIN CRISIS 



wich aint Southern hez no force with the Dimokrasy. 
Therefore with this I close Chap. II. 



OUAPTEK III. 

THE PLATFORM — ITS EXCELLENCIES AKD PEKOOLYARITIES. 

Probably ther never wuz a more akkommodatin platform 
ever made sence the first one wuz construktid. The sit- 
ooashun demandid a pekoolyer platform, and ever alive to 
the exigencies uv the hour, a pekoolyer platform wuz made. 
We hed within our organ jzashun a ruther mixed lot, all uv 
whose idiosyucrosies hed to be considered. There wuz the 
southern soljers, the southern rebels Avho wuznt soljers, the 
northern sympathisers Avith the southern rebels, the nig- 
gers south, the war Dimokrats, the bond-holders east, and 
the repoodiashunists west, the nigo-er suffrage Dimokrats, 
the ni^ger-hatin Dimokracy; beside that large class — the 
foundasliun, I may say, uv the whole superstructer — that 
unumberd throng wich dont reed, and wich consokently 
naterally gravitate to us. To construct a platform to kiver 
all these classes, wuz a work wich required great skill, but 
it wuz done. Its ruther difficult but it wuz did. A 
physician wunst, who wuznt exactly certain whether he 
ought to administer a physic or a puke to a sick pashunt, 
determined to be rite, he give him both. The physic pulled 
down and the puke pulled up. The fact that the pashent 
died is nothin agin the theory. Ef he hed bin strong enuff 
he wood hev liA^ed and conkered the disease. This is our 
fix. We aint shoor wich remedy is the best, and wc her 
give both. We must depend on the swalleriu capasity uv 
our party. It wuz not considered safe to say a word on 
the nigger question, for obvous resons. Shood"^ we endorse 
nigger suffrage to ketch the nigger vote south, all uv that 
class uv Dimokratic voters in the north, wich lay awake nights 
fearin ther daughters will marry niggers, wood, to-wunst 
commit sooicide ; shood we pronounc* that this is a white 
man's goverment, and aoin nigger sufft-age, we shood lose 
the entire nigger vote, without wich we cant carry a south- 
ern State. Our platform is discreet. It sez nothin. Yoo 
kin take yoor choice. Ef yoo are disposed toard nigger 
suffrage, I defy yoo to find a word in the platform agin it, 
and wuznt Joe Williams a nigger in the convenshun ? Ef 
yoo are uv the class wich wants its daughters pertected 



UV THE DIMOKKASY. 11 



from nigger ekality, I pint yoo to the past liistry iir the 
Dimokratic party, and cite yoo to the fact that Forrest, who 
slew his thousands uv niggers, wuz scetid in the convenshun. 
In this pertikeler we give the fullest liberty. 

On the question uv finance, there is ekal range. The 
resolooshun declares explicitly that the indebtedness uv the 
Government shcl be paid accordin to the terms uv the con- 
trak. The greenback facshun hev here all they Avant or kin 
ask, and the Belmont gold-payers. Lord bless em, wat kin 
they ask more! Cant we trust to Seymour who is commit- 
ted to gold, payment, and hevnt they faith in the courts? 
They Avood oe Wind, indeed, not to be satisfied. The out- 
and-out Eepudiashunists are well enough pleased likewise. 
They build upon the history uv the party and its natral i»- 
stinks. 

On one pint, there wuz no need uv bein at all keerful ; 
viz: — the corrupshun uv the Republikin party. That reso- 
looshun is distink and emphatic. It wuz drawd up by Fer- 
nandy Wood, Perry Fuller, Mrs. Cobb's husband, Wooll^y, 
a eminent dealer in whisky at St. Loois, and the writer 
hereof. We demand in that the oustin uv the Radikel fack-. 
shun from all places uv profit and trust, and the replacin 
uv em with troo Dimokrats. The carakter of the men who 
made the resolooshun, is a sufficient guarantee uv the 
intenshuns uv the party. 

Altogether, the platform is^ complete. There isnt a 
man in the Yoonited States who cant git out uv it any- 
thing he wants. AVho so stoopid ez not to repose under 
the shadder uv a platform so comprehensive? Ah, who 
indeed I 



CHAPTER IV. 

THE CANDIDATES — BKEEF BIOGRAPHIES. 

I dont know but very little uv the candidates, wich I con- 
ceeve to be the first qualificashun uv a writer uv biographv. 
Ef I knode all about em I shood be trameled by fax ; ez it 
is, I lin give my imaginashun full sway. Imaginashun is 
necessary in biografficle writin. Horasho Seemore wuz 

born in the year 18 — , in the town uv , and the 

State uv . I am thus pertikeler in givin dates 

and places, ez I love to be akerit even in small things. He 
Avuz born uv rich but honest parents, and singler ez it may 
seem, hevin been well educatid, wuz alluz a Dimokratj 



13 THE IMPENDIK CEISIS 



Twiefc wuz he GuAmer of jSToo York — the last timeatths 
heginnin iiv the late unpleasantnis. It wnz dooriii this 
eventful period in the history uv the country, that his 
grate abilities shone out so strongly. While he wuz scndin 
out troops to the support uv the Fedral armies, in obejienee 
to the requirements uv laws wicli were too strongly backed 
by power to be safely disobeyed, he avuz at the same time 
givin more aid to the Confederacy, than any ten Genrals it 
hed. His rite hand knoAvd eggsactly Avat his left avuz a 
doin, and the sed rite undid wat the sed left wuz a doin, 
Avith neetnis. The Dimokrasy uv Kentucky Avill never for- 
git that Avhile he avuz bouin in obejienee to Federal man- 
dates and forredin n\w troops to the aid uv Grant, he at the 
same time, got up a riot, a unpleasantnis, in Noo York, 
Avick required the persoiuil attendance uv a considrable 
grater number of actooal vetrans. Them riots avuz the 
great epoch — the brite spot in his career. Them riots con- 
stitoot his cheef claim to a high niche in the Dimekratic 
assortment uv Saints. The Avriter hereof avuz present 
doorin a part uv em — he Avood hev stayed doorin ther entire 
continyooance, cood he hev endoored so much bliss to- 
Avunst.*^ Oh, the joy of seein ten thousand liberty-lo\in 
Irishmen, freshly emancipated from the iron rool of English 
task-masters, a goin for the thousands uv niggers uv K'oo 
York! Oh, tlie joy uv seein niggers hangin to lamp-posts 
— uv seein niggers layin on the pavement AvitJi their branes 
beat out, and uv witnessin the smoke uv nigger orfun 
assylums assendin to tJie skies, rollin up like the smoke uv 
a sacrifisi Oh, the delite of seein nigger orfuns, Avhose 
fathers avuz perchance in I he feeld a strugglin in the ranks 
uv the despots Avicli had liberatid their brethren, turned 
out uv the burnin edifis (sich uv em ez didnt roast therein) 
to be knockt in the hed by the stern tho infuriated patriots, 
Avho had that, day risen in their mite. And ez a fitin climax 
to see ^uvner Seemore then (let us hope President Seemore 
to be,) addressin uv em cz " My Friends," and promisin uv 
©m that the draft sliood be stopti On sich themes Avat 
Dimocratic pen is there that doiit like to dwell? El«o 
ansers. 

Guvner Seemore's life hez bin an eventful one. He 
never Avantid offiis — all that he hez ever held thus far hev 
hev bin crowded onto him. Both times he avuz Guvner 
he declined, voAvin that he Avood not accept ontil the sevral 
candidates hed beat out ther braues agin each other, Avhen 
he wuz forst agin his Avill into acceptm. So it avuz at the 



UV THE DIMOKRASY. 13 



Tamany convenshun. It wuz desided by himself, Belmont 
and the eastern leaders, that he shood decline, and keep de- 
clinin, till Pendleton, Hancock, Chase, and them other fil- 
lers shood hev l)iistid therselves, wjien he wood permit it to 
Ije forst upon him. For partiklers ez to the success uv this 
movement, see percecdins uv the Noo York Nashnal Con- 
venshun. 

The principles uv H'orasho Seeniore commend theirselves 
to the hart uv every troo Dimokrat. It is troo that origi- 
nelly Pendleton wuz the prefrence uv the grate nuijoritjr uv 
the party, but they yeeldid graceliilly, and avuz surprised 
after they hed yeelded, hoAV little diffrenco tlier wuz between 
cm. It AVUZ so slite that enny troo Dimokrat Avood be 
ashamed to menshun it. Pendleton avuz, and is^, in favor uv 
payin the bonds in greenbax — Seemore avuz, and is, in favor 
nv payin uv em in gold. Pendleton atlirras that Seemoi'e's 
finansiiel policy is a swindle onto the ploAv-holder for the 
benefit uv the bloatid boud-holder. Seemore thinks .and 
affirms that Pendleton's plan is a peece uv double-dyed ras- . 
k*lity — a proposishun Avich cood only originate in the mind 
uv a man capable uv bein a fust-class sneek theef. So 
triflin are the diffrences betAveen the grate minds uv the 
party I Wat Pendleton Dimokrat is ther Avho coodnt to- 
Avunst yeeld the triflin ditfrence between his policy and 
support Seemore ? Not one I 

•'I Avill take one hundred and scvcnty-tive dollars for this 

mule, and not a d d ceut less," scd a deeler in In'evetted 

jatkasses. 

'' I'll give yoo ten I"' sed the buyer thereof. 

" Take him," replide the other promptly ; •' it shel never 
be sed that I let a trifle uv a hundred and sixty-five dollars 
split me in a mule trade." 

'Let US imitate the heroick rxani}»cl uv this Spartan 
yooth ! 

Gen. Frank Blare, and his family, our n(.)mim'c for Vice 
President, is probably the purest specimen uv the simple- 
harted, hard-fisted, patrotic, self-abnegatin Dimokrat AA''e 
hev in this country. He, and his family, startid out in life 
a Dimokrat nv the troo Jacksonian skool.* In a moment uv 
moral blindnis he, and his family, become a ran tin Ablish- 
nist, and a persekooter uv the Dimokratic Saints in Mis- 
soury, and Avound up this partiiv his career ez a Majer Gen- 
ral in the Fedral servis. Ez lamentable ez this part uv his 
career is — ez friteful ez avuz his backslidin — it ought not to 
be urged agin him. Sadly hez he, and his family, repented 



14 THE IMPEKDISr CRISIS 



uv his folly.' They saw, when it wuz almost ererlastmly 
too late, that the Eepublikin party wuzut no fit restin place 
for them. He, and his family, sot about his work \x\ re- 
pentance by bustin Fremont in Missoury; and that they 
mite do the Fedral coz ez much harm ez possible, Mon- 
gomery, one of the family, held onto his posishen in the 
goriller Linkin's cabinet till he avuz kickt out by mane 
strength. Then they changed ther minds. Frank become 
conservativ and increased his rashuns uv likker three pints 
per day. He supported President Johnson cheerfully, and 
so conduktid hisself generally ez to win the confidence, 
love and esteem uv all the Confedrit Geurals and Statesmen, 
all uv wich corjelly and even enthoosiastically supportid 
him in the convensliun they run in Tamany Hall. Genral 
Forest and Booregard never spoke uv him but with teers in 
ther eyes, and Wade Hampton wich nominatid him, told 
the writer hereof that he loved him, and his family, ruther 
dearer than he did his brother. 

Troo he and his German subjecks played the devil with 
us in Missoury — troo he helped the butcher Lyon shoot 
down inoffensive men in the streets uv St. Loois, and after- 
ward he drencht the South with gore, leavin behind him a 
trale uv ashes and smoke — but wat uv that ? He wuz bein 
paid for it, and wuz, beside, at that time, in the gall uv bit- 
ternie and the bonds uv inikity. He hednt repentid then — 
the scales wuz onto his eyes. He wuz then in a highly ab- 
normal condishun. 

But wat more cood we ask uv him than his letter afore 
the convenshun sot ? Ef he hednt bin endorsed by Forest 
and Booregard, that letter alone, bustin ez it did the entire 
Kekonstruckshen acts uv a unconstooshnel Congris, wuz 
suffishent. That letter wuz to me the first gleem uv lite I 
hed seen for years. Here wuz a man bold enuff to openly 
announce his intenshun uv by force opposin a unconstoosh- 
nel Congris, and undoin at a stroke all that they hed un- 
constooslinelly done ! 

The advantages uv hevin ^enral Blare, and his family, 
on the tikkit is obvus. Shood Seem ore play us false, owin 
to loonacy wich is in his family, it wood still be well. The 
Goverment cood then" be run in the family entire. The old 
man wood be Sekretary uv State, on the skore uv his beiil 
too old to be good for enny thing else, and he kin buy earth- 
quakes and icebergs, I am confident, ez well ez Seward kin. 
Montgomery wood be uv coorse Sekretary uv War, and the 
other posishons cood be filled by ther brothers-in-law, This 



UV THE DIMOKRASY. 15 



aiTangement will strike evry Dimokrat ez bein feasible and 
simple. Ther aiiit enuff iiv em to go round, and ez they 
wood select men uv tlier stamp for the subordinit posisli- 
uns, all sich ez the writer hereof wood be provided for })e- 
yond all question. 

It is my opinyun that the tikkit is a strong one. I hev 
sed so reglerly uv tickkits for forty veers, and knowin that 
Seemore will get the bond-holders, Blare the repoodiashuu- 
ists — that both hev the confidence uv the Yaliandigumera 
and Confedrits, and the Woodses — I feel it is a tikkit on 
wich we kin all yoouitc, and consekently succeed. Ef a 
man cant yoonite on this tikkit he must be hard to soot. 
Wat a gorjus seeries uv campane mottoes we ken put onto 
our banners! In Noo York we shel hev "Seemore and 
gold!" in Ohio, "Blare and Greenbax !" in Kentucky, 
" Dimokrasy and repoodiashun!" Percisely ez flexilale is 
the platform on the nigger and on all other topics. In 
Georja it will be "Seemore and votes for all!" In Ohio, 
wher they hev a prejoodis agin niggers, we shel hurrah for 
"Seemore and down with nigger ekality!" And evry 
where we kin demand uv the Demokrasy — " Think ur beiu 
tried afore a nigger joory for hoss-stealin !" It is trooiy 
gorjus. 

CHAPTER V. 

THE CANDIDATES, 

I shel say but little uv the candidates uv the oppoain 
party. Charity and long suffering is my best holt, and I 
will not descend to personal abuse. Ulysses S. Grant is a 
theef, a liar, swindler, villain, despot and tyrant. Ef Nero 
ever looks up to this world he gnashes his teeth with envy 
at the sooperior vices uv this man. Caligula wuz never his 
match. He wuz uv a low, plebian orejin. His father wuz 
a tanner, and he follered the same brootalizin okkepashun. 
At the outbreak uv the late onpleasantnis, with feendish 
haste he laid down the curryin tools and tuk up the sword, 
and embarkt into the more congenial feeld uv slawter that 
civil war opened to him. Uv his histry sence but little 
need be sed. The Northern Dimokrasy wuz not much af- 
fected by him — halleloogy ! They pay but little taxes, so 
he didnt ketch em there; and ther able-bodied sons mostly 
went to Canady seekin protekshun from his fearful de- 
mands under the tail uv the British Lion. But upon ike 



16 THE IMPE>s"DI]!f CRISIS 



Southern Dimokrasy it fell with crushin force. Prom Shi- 
low to Vixbiirg ; from Vixbiifg into Tennessee ; from Ten- 
nessee to Eichmond, this insashate monster foUered the 
Confedracy with the remorselis eagernis uy a sleuth hound, 
ontil he hed it prostrate under his feet. Ez a imparshel 
Dimokratic historian, I wood say he wuz no Ginral, wuz it 
not for the fact that shood I so say I shood he castin re- 
prooch upon the Confedrits Avich he conkered, wich wont 
do. Ez he licked Lee, I am willin to give him credit ft>T 
military ability. His administrashun uv atfares when he 
wuz Seketary of War, ad interim, shows wat he wood do 
ef his oppertunities wuz greater. With sich a man in the 
Presidcnsel cheer, wat cood our hungry soles do who hevnt 
hed ther fingers in the flesh-pots for nine long years I Ef 
he restrained em to the aniount uv fiye millions uv dollars 
in three months, in a Department wich hez less than 
one-twentieth uv the disbursements to manage, wat will he 
do in four j'cers when he hez control uv the whole ? Thats 
the question. No wonder the Dimokrasy Avantid to git rid 
uv him. No wonder President Johnson regetted hevin put 
liim in posishen to so disappint his frends." I dismiss him 
Avith the fervent hope (hevin Trends I hev promist contrax 
to in the event uv a Dimokratic success) that he may never 
Avrite President after his name. 

Skyler Colfax I approach Avith feelins uv more profound 
digust. Doorin the Avar for the maintainanceuA' the Yoon- 
yun, Avat did lie do toAvard carryin it to a glorious and suc- 
cessful endin ? Did he carry a muskit or dr?.AV a sword? 
No ! On the contrary he passed that time in t]\e gilded 
balls wv Oongris, draAvin his salary promptly. He avuz 
borii in Noo York, but avuz brot nji in Injiany. From the 
beginnin he avuz a bitter enemy nv Dimokrasy. Ther aint 
a drop uv Dimokratic blood in him. He hez alluz mane- 
tained a conneckshuu Avith the Methodist church ; he dont 
know how likkcr tasles, and he holds, Avith most disgustiu 
Ijoldnis, tbal niggers is human. He is a skoffer at Ham 
and Hager, and Avood, ef be co(xl, \n\t evry nigger child in 
the south in sko(jls. lie hez speut a life-time in efforts to 
break doAvn the ],>arriers erectid l)y Nacher betAveen the 
races, and by elevatin the nigger onlit him for fulfillin the 
work he avuz made to do. That he hez succeeded, let the 
condishun uv the south attest. Ther aint no Southners 
at Saratogy this year livin at a expense uv a 11,000 per 
-week, and'draAvin on ther cotton agents reglerly for the 
money. Ther aint no hefty games uv Faro at the waterin 



UV THE DIMOKllASY. 1 1 



places, for they caut afford it. But you shel see all over the 
south niggers ownin ther own land. You shel gee em 
wastiu ther time on spellin books, and squandrin ther eai- 
nins on clothes for tJierselves. Yoo cant go down ther now 
and buy a cai-penter, or blacksmith, or stun-cutter, or brick- 
layer for a thousand dollars. No, that's all changed. Ef 
we want sich labor done, we are compelled to hire it and 
pay*for it, the same ez they do at the North. Gone is the 
vast estates wich wuz our pride — ^gone is the aristockriay 
wich wuz the hope uv our Dimokratic country — gone is 
slavery wich wuz the corner-stun uv our free Guverment. 
And standin on the watch-tower, ez 1 hev bin for forty 
yeers, I look over these rooins and exclame, " Skyler Colfax 
this is thy work !" 

Wat lover uv Freedom kin vote for a man who hez bin 
so prominent in opposishun to Slavery ? Wat lover uv the 
rites uv man kin support one who destroyed the property uv 
one-half uv the peeple by given freedom to the other half? 
Ef Freedom shreekt when Kosciusko fell, wat must she her 
dun when slavery went under? I paws for a reply. 



CHAPTER VI. 

ro>fCLOODi>f REFLECKSHUHS. 

1 hev only to say in conclooehun that we kin succeed ef 
we will. The Dimokrasy never hed afore it sich brilliant 
prospecks, or the promise uv a victory so easily won. We 
hev an abundance uv material to draw from. Ther is 
waitin to fall into our ranks all uv the followin classes : 

IN THE XORTH. 

1. All them wich dont want ther dawters to marry nig- 
gers, and wich demand a law to pertect em agin em. 

2. All them wich stan on the street corners perpetooally, 
shakin for fear the nigger'll be elevatid to an ekality 
with em. 

3. All them wich are willin niggers shel pay taxes, but 
are inflexibly opposed to ther votin. 

4. All them wich opposed the war on akkount uv Ab- 
lishnism. 

5. All them wich opposed it from other causes. 

6. All them wich hevnt bin suffishently rewarded for 
ther services to Eepublikinism in the way uv oflSses. 



18 tht; iMPExnix orxbu 



7. The Blare family, and ther children, who will he a- to 
b© pi'OYided with an oliis each Avhen they grow up. 

8. Tlie coirnteriiter.-i pardoned by President Johnson. 
tj. The whisky speckulaters. 

Hi. Sich whisky inspeckters ez hev bin caught at it. 

11. Tlie proprieters uv bars and faro hanks. 

1 2. The victims thereof, who, hcvin gone thro em, must 
come to us, becoz tliey cant go ennyAvliere else till they re- 
form, wicli, after they've bin with lis a little while' will be 
impossible. 

13. Tliem wich cant reed or write— two institooshune 
wich hev did Dimockrasy more harm nor anything else in 
this world. 

14. Them wicli want to i)ay the debt in greenbax. 

15. Them Avich, follerin ther regler practis, dont Avant to 
pay the debt at all. 

16. That large class — ^them Avich makes up our respec- 
tability — who are too good for us but not quite good enuff 
for the Tiepnblikins. 

IN" THE SOUTH. 

1. The Confedrit otticers. 

2. The Confedrit Congris. 

3. The Confedrit office-holder.-'. 

4. Joe Williams, a patriotic aiul inteligent colored 
citizen. 

These classes kin all yoonite on Seemore and Blare, evry 
one uv em. Ez I am satisfied that hell is more densly pop- 
ulatid than lieven, I am intirely satisfied that our party is, 
ez it allnz hez bin, in the majority. But the trubleisto 
git em together. The truble is the combinashuns agin us 
sometimes take orf a porshuu ua' this strength — becoz it is 
a inexorable law that Avickidnis cant most alluz hold to- 
gether. The A'iery men avIio leeve Eepublikinism becoz they 
dont get places, Avood leeve us from the same coz, and ez 
ther aint offises enuff to go round ther must be disappint- 
ments. But them classes hev bin so thororly starved out — 
so terribly yoosed by ther late assoshates — that they must 
come to us and take ther chances. But Ave are foundid on 
a rock. With nigger at the bottom and Avhisky at the top, 
we are a strong and S(jlid toAver agin Avich tlie wares uv 
fanaticism Avill beet in vane. 

We must hev this success. We cant no longer wate. We 
hev suffered in silence long enuff. Our Siithren brethren 
hold out ther hands to us implorinly. They say to us, 



Tin-. DTMOKRABY. \U 



•• kum."" TJioy are williii to [oryivc and forget all they hev 
(lull. "They hold, no spile agin" the country-^on- the kon- 
warv, they are Avillin to come liaek and take tlier old place.* 
and go on as helbre. They hev .showd svoiiderl'itl Ibrbear- 
rtiiee'and proodenee. 'Pliey I'uii I he Xoo York Convenshnir 
and mite hev hed all the iioniinashnii.s. But they didnt. 
Breckenridge mi(e hev lied the nomiiuishnn for the Presi- 
densv, and Forrest the .seeiMid place on the tikkit, hnt they 
didn't arfk it. "'We dont want the places" sed they — wicl'i 
is remarkable ez bein the lirst iiv the jjarty wich "ever de- 
clined a place — ''We dojil want the places — provided Ave 
kin nominate men wich we kiji trust, on a platform wich 
we d»ictate." And they so actid. Let us not diappint these 
men. For them 1 .<]ieek. 'JMier Impondin Crisis is at hand. 
They must be rescood now or never. JCf Boregard, Mason. 
Slidl'll and sich aint restored to control this fall they never 
\\\\\ be. Ff them niggers and ])<><jr v>hites continvco to 
vole t^iet nioi'. the privilege kiu ni'ver be taken from 
em. Ff military rool is continyood at the south one riioro 
veer, the •"' loyal " men, cy. they call therselves, Avill be so or 
ganized that rootin nv em out by enny means Avill be a 
moral impossibility. Ther mnst be a radikle change by 
means nv an elecsi.nn. We must hev the Presidency, the 
Congris and the army. Then Avill we uv the sonth regane 
all that Ave lost by. war. Then Avill our tnrn cum. Then 
Avill we restore the anshent order uv things, and in the en- 
joyment nv our niggers sonth and the post-offises north, 
float on peeceii}- ajid happly. Oh, may this dreem be real- 
ized I Oh, may this heven be ourn I Let us leeve no stun 
unturned to accomplish this gellorus result. Ez for myself 
my- Avants is few. ^I am old and full uv honoi'S. I hev bin 
Gustis uv the Peece in Noo Jersy and Postmaster in Ken- 
tucky. My hail- hangs scantily about my temples, rny 
cheeks is sunken and my a})petite is goin I goin I g5in I A 
few more days and my bilers, alredy rustid, will bust and i 
shel go hentz. Let me see the Dimokrasy wunst more in 
power — let me see Deekin Pogram Avunsi more wallop a 
nigger, and I Avill hie me to my Post Orfis and go into the 
final fit uv delirum tremens wich Avill carry me otf, happy! 
I hev sed ! Selah ! So mote it be I 

PETROLEUM Y.JsTASBY, P. M. 
IVich is Postmaster. 

THE EXL»= 



Mr. Nasby Returns from New York Before the 

Adjournment of the Convention— How the 

Nominations were Received at the 

Corners. 

Post Orfis, Confedrit X Roads, ) 

(wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky) [ 

July 13, 1868. ) 

I didn't stay in Noo York till the Convenshun adjourned, 
for a most excellent reason, to-wit : my money run out. 
The Milesian female with whom I aa'uz forst to board, re- 
quired payment in advance, and uv coorse under sicli an 
arrangement there wuz nothing left for me but to succum. 
The length uv my stay redoost itself to a mere matter uv 
money. I tried the borrowin d«dge, and the cheekin dodge, 
but good Lord ! wat cood I do with an entire Convenshun, 
all uv 'em more or less tryiu to live in the same way ? I 
left and come home while I cood, and before it was ever- 
lastinly too late. 

When I left I spozed ther wuz no doubt uv the nomina- 
shen uv Pendleton. The "young eagle uv the West" hed 
received 155 votes, and wuz a gainin, and Seemore hed de- 
clined so often and so persistently, that goin back on my 
yoosuol disbeleef in these fellers, hevin declined a great 
many offices myself that I wanted, I a-eely beleeved the cuss 
wuz in earnist, and saw nothin that cood stand between 
Pendleton and success. Ez I left the Ohio river, I got out 
the reech uv railroads and telegraphs, and I told the peo- 
ple all along that Pendleton hed bin nominated on the 16th 
ballot, and that the country wuz all ablaze with enthoosi- 
asm for him and greenbax, so certin wuz I uv his success. 

On arrivin at the Corners I found that intense anxiety 
wnz manifested by the citizens thereof. They were all 
gathered at Bascom's discussin the matter when I hove in 
site on a mule wich I hed borrered at Secessionville to ride 
over onto. 

" Who is it ?" asks Deekin Pogram, ketchin the mule by 
the bridle. " Who is it, and vvat principles hev we got to 
support this fall ?" 

''' Pendleton and greenbax," shouted I. " Pendleton, the 



21 

young caglo uv the west, who is opposed to tlie bloatid aris- 
tocratic bondholtlers, wich wood criisli us labrin men into 
the dust. Pcndletou, who hloevos that of gToenl>ax is good 
ejuift' for us lioiu'st lahorin uion, thoy are good enuff for the 
arislocrai, wlio, like tlie King in tlie nursery I'hyme. sits in 
liis parlor, oonnlin his nu>ney, Peiulle — " 

•• I'iinin'!'" sed l'>asconi, "enuff. Have that speech. Par- 
•fun, till we hev our ratificashen. In the meantime, get off 
an<l take suthiu. So good do I feel over the result, that I 
am willin to stand treet for the crowd. ( ^omc one, come all." 

Tlu'se few remarks uv Bascom's w uz luiikdwith satisfac. 
lion. Ez one man the entire ci-owd moved into his place, 
and ez one man they all asswaged ther thirst. Bascom kin 
move the Corners quicker (han any man in it. Wat a hap- 
py posishen is hizziu ! 

The uext nite it wuz decided tu Ticv a ratiiicashen, that 
the Comers mile conlrinljit lior mile lowards swfllin the 
enthoosiasm on tlii' liuzzum uv wirli I'cmlk'lon- wuz to 
,«u'eep to glory. V\'e met in llie opi'ii aii', in front uv Bas- 
com's, and the impasheiit crowd called uiion me to give an 
account uv luy stewardship. 

I opened by statin that I went to ^sOo York under pe- 
koolyerly embarrassin circumstancrs. 'i'lie wliole money 
power uv the east \xuz arrayed agin us. The aristocratic 
Belmont, wicli is tlu' agent uv the Eothchilds, the money- 
kings uv the Avoi'ld. wuz determined to foist onto the Dim- 
okrasy either Chase, the accursed Ablishnist, or Seemore 
the pek'oolyer pet u>- AVall >ireet, wich street is, I may sling- 
in here for the benelit uv my liearers, Avhere the money biz- 
niss is mostly done, and whei-e they sleep on Guverment 
bonds and six'ud the heft nv tlier lime a clippin off the 
noopons." 

•'Wat is coopon.s?"" asked Deekin Pugnim. 

I explained to the Id-'^sid nld sain! wat coopoiis wuz, and 
went on. 

'•'This Wall street iulluoeuee Avood. nsy Ijrethren, hev cor- 
rupted the Dimok]'isy. Wall street came into Tammany 
Hall and wanted to control our aek.shen. But wewuzentto 
be pnrchist. The more Wall street oll'ered to enclave the 
Dimocrisy, the more your representatives, gloryin in ther 
manhood, spurned ther pruU'ered bril)e.s. We went there 
iletermined to emaii^ipate the yomanry u\- the country|from 
thebondige uv the bloated Ixuidlioldcr — v, e went ther pledg- 
ed to Pendleton, the young eagle u\ ilie West — pledged to 
tender the bloated bondholder the same dirty rags wicli he 
pade for his bonds — pledged to pay the bloated bondholder, 



22 

if ^ve pade them anything, greenbacks for his bloated bonds 
or nothin. We went ther determined to annihilate this yer 
Seemore and his bloated supporters." 

" Rah for Pendleton !" sung out the crowd. 
' "Three groans for Seemore, the bloated bondholdei-s' 
agent." 

Both cheers and gi'oans were gison with a will and I per- 
ceeded. 

" My frends, you nev'Jl know wat avo, the people's defend- 
ers, hed to contend with, 'i'ho l)loated l)ondholders hed 
money — we hed none. '^IMiey were detei-mined to fasten the 
yoke on yoor necks — we were determined to hist it off. They 
wuz determined to hev Seemore with all Wall street at his 
back fastened on to you to grind yon into dust, but feelin 
that ef he shood be nomenated we cood nevei' sujiport him, 
we riz in our mite andmanfiillv compelled em to withdraw 
this man and give us the ])e(>i»]e'M elidiee. ilea. 11. Pendleton, 
the eagle uv the " 

At this pint Deekin Pognuu's ,son Gamaliel wuz seen 
putting down tlie hill ez fast ez his mule cood git. Joe 
Bigler notist him fust and rusht out uv the crowd to inter- 
cept him. The boy hed a noospaper in his hand, wich Josef 
took from him and rushed to where I wuz standin on the 
hed uv a barl. 

'^'Here's the last Looisville paper." sed Josef, unfoldin it. 
«Shel I reed it ?" 

" Reed ! Reed !" yelled the crowd. " (ii\ us the nooze uv 
the downfall uv the bloated bondholders !" 

" Before I reed," sed Josef, who had glanced at the head- 
ins uv the telgraft collum, "give three more cheers for Pen- 
dleton aud greenbax. Hip, Hip—" 

" Rah," cheered the crowd. 

"Now^ three groans, and let them be good ones, for See- 
more and his cussid doctrine wich will grind us into the 
dust under the heels of Belmont, and aid the forrin capital- 
ists by payin the bonds in gold !" 

And they groaned ez heartily ez they cheered. 

" We ez Dimocrats," con-tinued Josef, " hev sworn by our 
altars and our fires, never to support for any offis any man 
who wood pay a debt inkurred by a unconstooshnel gov- 
ernment in a unconstooshnel war, in anything but the de- 
based currency wich that unconstitooshnel government 
ishood." 

" Never ! never ! we sware !" 

" Very good," said Josef, ^' this paper wich I hold in my 
hands conveys the atflictin intelligence that on the twenty- 



23 

seekond ballot Govenor Horasko Seemore, uv Xew York, 
wuz nominated, and that Frank Blair wuz nominated Vice 
President by acclamation. Ez Seemore is opposed bitterly 
to Pendleton's greenbax policy, 1 spose, uv coorse, the Cor- 
ners Avill repoodiate the ackslien uv the convenshun." 

And with a laff Avich avuz devilish in the extreme Josef 
left the stand. 

The meetin broke up in a r<.)\v. The Corners felt that 
they hed bin imposed .u])on and hed I not got out uv the 
wav I mite hev bin personelly injoored. 

'rhe Deekin, Basccjm, Kernel McPeltcr, Issaker Gavitt 
and I met in the Postoffis after the excited crowd hed dis- 
persed, and consulted. AVe was in a ruther tite place. 
Rely in on the strength uv our candidate, we bed gone too 
far in denouncin the others, tho for that matter wat cood 
we do ? The two policies is so cussed opposite that Ave can't 
support the one Avithout denounsin the tother. It avuz de- 
sided that Ave support the ticket. We tVlt it >-uz safe. See- 
more, if he is electid, can't discriminate betAveen hi* sup- 
porters in the distribooShen uv the Postoffises, and after all 
that is the reel question at ishoo. After givin the subjick a 
matoor considerashen, Ave come to the conclooshen that the 
credit and standin uv the goverment demanded the payment 
uv the Xashnel indebtedness in gold, and that anything 
short of that Avood be repoodiashun. 

"I Avonder," said I, " that any honest man — any man Avho 
beleeves in mantaning unimpaired the credit uv the Gov- 
ernment, sliood think for a moment uv payin the debt in 
anything but wat Avas contemplated — honest hard gold." 
At a meeting the next nite to ratify Seemore's nomenashen, 
I sed this over agin, and asked em if any Deniokrat Avho re- 
membered the glorious lite Jackson made for hard money, 
wood consent for a moment to multiply a irredeemable 
paper currency ? No I Let us, ez our glorious standard 
bearer Seemore hez so boldly proclaimed, let us pay our 
debts in Demokratic money — gold — hard, shinin, yaller 
gold. Three cheers for Seemore !" 

And they cheered ez vigorously ez I ever heered men 
cheer. Ther aint no trouble in managin the Dimokrasy. 
All they Avant is to hev it settled Avat they are to hurrah for, 
and they hurrah for it. NotAvithstandin the fo paw I made 
the first nite, Ave shell poll the yoosual vote for Seemore, 
and possibly more. Yet the experiment wuz a leetle risky. 
I will never ratify agin till I knoAV Avat I am ratifyin and 
forAA'boni. 

PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M., 
TFjc/t is Postvuister, 



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